Dream a Little Dream

In continuation, I had yet another unpleasant dream last night:

I am at the agency I do my internship at, only it is a large house. I sign my name out on the name board as my supervisor comes down the stairs. I am stressed about something, and ready to get out of the building. As I walk out my supervisor says my friend J's boyfriend, M, called. She asks me to talk to him. Then suddenly J is there in the window, doing her hair. Then I am telling someone outside about M. I tell them that he is "quirky."

Whether this was part of the same dream, or after, or before, I do not know. Dreams are strange that way.

I get an e-mail from the dean of my university. It is about graduation. It says something about making sure your family and guests are cordial and do not create conflict. Then I am on campus calling my aunt L. I tell her I got an e-mail saying our families must get along. L gets defensive and tells me this may be impossible with aunt J there as well. I tell her aunt J is not coming anymore. She is still offended and says she can't guarantee she will get along with everyone. I am surprised at aunt L's reaction. She is usually the calm and reasonable one. She is a counselor. She tells me she doesn't think she will come to my graduation either. I am crying, walking around campus, with sunglasses on. I pass V and S from my program. They look at me in a concerned way, but say nothing as I pass them. I continue walking, thinking: my aunts aren't coming, my dad isn't coming. Only my mom will be at graduation. Then I wake up to my mom opening the front door and I realize it was all a dream.

What Dreams May Come

I promised myself I would keep up with this blog, not for the hundreds of followers (really just one), but for me. So I have a place to vent, a place to put to paper (or computer screen) what is in my head. When I thought of what I wanted to write today I could not think of anything profound, nor did I want to relive the stress and annoyance of my week. Somehow writing it out would simply be reliving it. I want to put it behind me and move forward. Instead, I want to write about a new phenomenon for me: DREAMS.

I know this may sound odd, that dreams are a new thing for me. But really they are. Not because I didn't have dreams before. Not because I didn't think about them. But because they never had much meaning to me. Since I began therapy I have put more thought into the less "rational" parts of myself. Dreams are certainly not rational. Yet I have been noticing them a lot lately. I have noticed them because they are frequent. I have noticed them because I remember them. I have noticed them because they involve major parts of my life. I have also noticed them because, more often than not, they are uncomfortable and unpleasant.

I told my therapist about dreaming about my clients, and that I wanted to get them out of my dreams. She said "what if you didn't have to get rid of them?" "What if they meant something?" As I told her about one of my dreams, I realized so much of it made sense. I dreamt of a teenage client of mine picking me up with a bunch of teenage boys in a car. Then I was in my sorority (although it was a different building in the dream). There were clothes thrown everywhere. The place was total chaos. My therapist said, "interesting, her life is chaotic and messy." Yes, that is totally true! So, no I'm not a dream reader (nor do I believe in them), but I do think it is interesting to think about what my dreams may be telling me.

So in continuation of my mother-aunt drama, here is my latest vivid dream:

I am getting married. I wake up in an empty room on the carpet floor. Then I realize I have no one to do my hair or makeup. A friend throws some bobby pins in my hair...but it is falling out and lopsided. Then I rush to throw makeup on in a time crunch. I try to pin my own hair back in the bathroom. Then, in my wedding dress, I decide to go pee. I dip the entire train in the toilet water. My pretty, strapless, mermaid, champagne dress soaked in toilet water, with no time to dry. Then I am in the room where the ceremony will happen...a food court. My aunt Jill is there fighting with my mom about something. I feel a rush of emotion. I want to cry.

I woke up anxious and tense. I knew immediately why my fighting family was in the dream. I could guess that my own up tightness was coming though in the makeup and hair fiasco. But I did not realize why I was having a wedding dream. Then I told my mom about the dream. She said, "well you told me that other than your wedding, graduation will be the most important event in your life." Wow, deep mom. I had told my mom that. That I wanted my family to suck it up and get along for the few momentous events of my life. Then I dreamt of my wedding day, disastrous in numerous ways. Perhaps dreams do mean something...

The Loving Aunt I Knew

Here is part two of my emotional vent from the other day. Luckily I had therapy, good talks with friends, and a few days before I called my aunt. Oh...and a drunken girl's night afterwards. My therapist wisely told me that my aunt would react the way I expected, and that I should prepare myself for it rather than try to change her reaction. Wise words...and I sort of took her advice.

I was relieved to get my aunt's voicemail at first so I could explain myself without judgement or interruption. Unfortunately, she called me back to say the message cut off half way. Of course it cut off right when I was saying "It's my mom's house and I have to respect that."

The first half of the conversation was to be expected (and I tried to detach from it as best I could). Ignoring my request to not hear about her conversation with my mom, my aunt proceeded to describe it for twenty minutes (very expected). Also to be expected was the irrational belief that my mom wanted her to not come to my graduation so it would be a trip all about my other aunt. To prove her point she said something hurtful, which I have noticed happens a lot in my family. To prove their points they attempt to show you how their enemy doesn't love you as much. So she said my other aunt told her we didn't have a relationship. This was perhaps her way of saying "I deserve to be at your graduation more, because I care about you more." Well, instead of feeling more loved by her, I am angry and hurt.

Overall, she made some points that I believed about my mother making excuses from the beginning to make her not want to stay with us for graduation. But there was also the expected craziness.

I think what shocked me most was her lack of warmth towards me. I expected the rage at my mother, and the ranting, and the craziness. I think I even expected that she wouldn't come. What I didn't expect was that she would be angry or cold towards me. That's what hurt. That's what made me cry.

She said "what is the point in me coming." I said "because it matters to me. Because I want you there even if my mom and you don't get along." But my words seemed to be gibberish to her. She ended by telling me she isn't coming and asking "is there anything else?" in a cool tone. As I cried on the other end, she was silent. I said "I'm sorry" and "I love you" between sobs. Then I sat there in my car, alone, on a beautiful sunny Saturday, and I cried.

This time I was alone, and crying my eyes out felt okay.

So what was I crying about I thought...good question.

When people say "well at least there won't be conflict at your graduation" I realize I wasn't really crying because she won't be there.
At first I was crying because I was angry, at her and at my mom.
Then I was crying because for once I wanted to be more important than the family drama.
I was also crying because I am just so freaking emotionally overwhelmed.
But what I finally realized is...

I was crying because the loving aunt I knew, not the evil woman my family sees, wasn't there anymore.

Dear Dad

I wish you would have wanted me
I wish my birth had been the happiest day of your life
I wish you would have told your family I existed
I wish you would have helped name me
I wish you would have seen me take my first step
I wish you would have been there to videotape my birthdays
I wish you would have cared that I moved across the country
I wish you would have taken me to my first day of school
I wish you would have been there to teach me sports, or take me camping
I wish you would have wanted to meet me, instead of doing it because she sued you
I wish you would have been there for my plays and skating shows
I wish you would have helped me buy mother's day presents
I wish you would have been in the stands at my drill competitions, and when we won state
I wish you would have been there to see me off to homecoming and prom
I wish you would have been there to see me off to college
I wish you would have seen teh sorority I lived in and the women who were my dear friends
I wish you would have been there when I graduated Magna Cum Laude, or even that you knew
I wish you were proud of my career aspirations
I wish you knew how hard I work, even if I won't be rich
I wish you knew my friends
I wish you knew anything about me
I wish you knew everything about me
I wish you were proud of me
I wish you loved me
I wish you had been there when I needed a dad

Devastated

How ironic is it that intense family conflict, resulting in a mini emotional breakdown, could be surrounding my graduation from a MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPY program? Yes, that is my family for you. So forgive me if the following sentences sound like an incoherent rant. So here goes...

One of my mother's sisters and my grandma booked tickets to come to my graduation, and they are staying at our home. Then my other aunt (who is my closest aunt, but has debilitating back problems making it hard to even get here) decides she wants to come as well. Of course my mother says she can stay with us, which I tell my aunt. How naive of me to believe things could be so simple. When my aunt calls my mom, my mom decides her staying with us would not be "harmonious." Instead, she wants her to stay at a hotel, which my aunt does not react well to. So I get a message from my aunt to call her back (which I have yet to do, and am dreading), followed by a message from my mother explaining how awful my aunt was on the phone and that she can't stay with us. Added to this is the fact that my dad's sister is coming to my graduation. However, my step-mother told me my dad may not come to my graduation because his sister will be there.

My reaction is best understood in two parts: the rational and the emotional

Rationally I know that my aunt is addicted to pain medications, which have changed her personality drastically. She is negative, hostile, irrational, and has scewed peceptions of many things. Thus, I understand that my mother does not want to be around her, or have a relationship with her. I also understand that there would likely be conflict with her staying with us. As a therapist in training I can spend countless hours analyzing all of the years of hurt and resentment, coupled with multiple family addictions, which have create deeply rooted negative family dynamics. I can look at the situation from afar and UNDERSTAND.

But...I also don't care.

Emotionally things are quite different. To paint you a picture, when I got my mom's message I was at a grocery store and promptly started crying. My immediate reaction was one of anger, disappointment, sadness, and stress. I was thinking, "Are you fucking kidding me? Of course my family can't behave like adults for one weekend and put my special day ahead of their childish hatred of each other. I should have known." Most of my emotions were geared towards my mother, which I know isn't entirely fair. I guess I thought as my mother she would be able to put her needs aside for me...for one weekend. I think years of my mother putting her hatred of my dad and step mom before me also added to this reaction. As time goes on I am getting more angry at my aunt as well. Who yells at someone they are wanting to stay with? When I think of her as a person, and not a crazy drug addict I am angry. When I think of her as my disabled, doped up aunt, I feel sorry for her, and responsible for her in some ways.

I had therapy today and my therapist was very helpful. She told me that I don't have to be so rational, and that I can have feelings. This is so true, but as you can see, I can't even describe my emotions well. What's more, it is hard for me to describe my feelings without also analyzing and rationalising family dynamics. Ah, the down side of analyzing family dynamics for a living. My therapist also said, "It's not your job to fix them or change them. They are using you and you aren't getting paid." So true! So I guess I have something to work on in therapy now!

So without making excuses or explaining my family, here is how it is to me:
I had a dream that for one special event in my life, the people who care about me would be there. They would be happy, proud, and mature. The day would be about ME. But that dream was shattered and I feel like a little girl. I feel angry, disappointed, sad, let down, and overwhelmed. I feel selfish, guilty, and overly responsible. It is like a million moments during my childhood, although I didn't have the words to describe it then. I had a hope that things could be different for once, and that hope was squashed. So in a word I am DEVASTATED once again.

But for once I am going to allow myself to feel this way for awhile.

Playing Dress Up

Remember when you were a little girl and dressed up in your mother's clothes? You pretended to be a mother, or a doctor, or a flight attendant (I practiced the hand signals even). Well, since beginning grad school I have pretty much been doing the same thing. The clothing part I had down (although to my disappointment professional clothing is scarce at my internship and people prefer yoga pants and tennis shoes). Yet the therapist part I felt I was pretending. What is that saying? Fake it til you make it. That has been my approach. Although I am certainly not alone. My classmates have done the same, and I am certain any responsible therapist before me. Because when you have one quarter of grad school under your belt, and are expected to counsel at-risk youth, what else can you do?

The feeling that I am an actress playing the part of a therapist is slowly decreasing over time, although it is still quite present. It is funny that my first career aspiration was to be an actress...how lucky I can use those skills today. But the experience of being hyper aware of where my hands are, my tone of voice, my every mannerism; the searching through my mind for the answer or solution in the catalogued therapy books in my head; the thought of "what would a therapist do now;" they have all dwindled over time. Thankfully, since I am now more able to be present in the moment with my clients. I cannot say that I see myself as a therapist yet, but I see myself as a person, rather than an actor playing a part.

Virgin Blogger

Today my closest and oldest friend shared her blog with me. While she has been writing it since November she recently decided to share it with several people. I have to admit I am behind the times (in many ways) and have never read a blog. Strange, I know. My friend is going through a very rough time right now, which we talk about a lot. Yet there was something about reading her blog that was so different than having a conversation with her. It was like looking into her head, her heart...her soul. It was incredibly meaningful to me. She said she put off starting a blog because she didn't think her life was interesting enough. Maybe her life isn't interesting to strangers on the Internet, but it is very interesting to me. What's more is that her blog made me realize how therapeutic writing is. It seems odd that I would not realize the healing properties of writing, since I am constantly suggesting that my client's write in journals, or write poetry or songs. When I think about it, there is a lot of advice I give that I neglect to take myself. I'm sure there will be more on that to come. I must admit that the cute page layout my friend had on her blog also made me want to design one. Yes, I am a sucker for cute girly decorations. So we shall see if this was an impromptu decision, and I get too wrapped up in the stresses of life, or if I can take a few minutes for myself and reflect on all the things that I don't have time/guts to process out loud.