Dagger Through My Heart

I think I have this false idea that every therapist besides me knows what they are doing, and their clients always get what they want. So when my ego is slammed I think I am the only one.

Today I saw six clients. My second session went very well. I have been seeing my client for seven months, and the first time I talked to her she told me she hates counselors. She said she told her last counselor to "fuck off." So today, when she told me she has seen tons of counselors and I am the only she could talk to and trust, and the only one she has progressed emotionally with, I felt great.

Fast forward to my third client...I have been seeing her for a year. She has had a horribly difficult life (just like my second client), and has been feeling pretty depressed for awhile. Today she said she did not want to offend me but she thought she needed to do "real therapy," but wanted to keep talking to me as well. REAL THERAPY?! I wanted to cry but held it together and asked her more. She felt she was empty and "fucked up" and needed to go deeper. I suggested that after we end our therapy in June she see a chemical dependency counselor and a therapist. She even said she thought her mood was connected to smoking weed every day. We had to end the session, but I need to address this next week and I am dreading it.

I want to give my clients what they need, but it is difficult when they expect me to be a miracle worker. When people haven't been in therapy before I wonder if they think it should fix everything. Perhaps they think I should just tell them what to do and life will be perfect. Sadly, I hold myself to that standard sometimes and end up feeling like crap when I don't live up.

Just as I was recovering from one professional slam, another one hit. During a meeting with my clients' father he said the little girls think I am just someone who draws with them and plays games. This followed him threatening them during their fight that he would tell the counselor. The girls frequently share their upsetting feelings with me, but I am not a discipline enforcer! Inside I felt defensive, but I remained composed on the outside and suggested we meet all together next week.

Only once have I had someone say "we don't think you are helping" and six months later her granddaughter was saying she did not want to switch therapists because she was comfortable with me, and I had helped her a lot. So I know people say things when they feel stuck. I know as a therapist I take the blame for things not going well in their lives. The hard part is not taking it personally. How much should I brush it off and believe they are simply blaming me for all the troubles in their lives not magically disappearing? How much should I take it seriously and change my approach? I know I should probably be able to do both.

I know that every therapist has clients who say insulting things. Some therapists even get bitched out by clients, so really I guess I am lucky. In time I know I will look at such seemingly crappy sessions as learning experiences. I will see them as opportunities to examine my insecurities and to handle difficult situations. I will see them as opportunities to be open as a therapist to the point that I can explore clients' feelings about me. But in the moment it feels like a dagger through my heart. It feels like someone is confirming my worst fear: that I don't know what the hell I am doing.