Devastated

How ironic is it that intense family conflict, resulting in a mini emotional breakdown, could be surrounding my graduation from a MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPY program? Yes, that is my family for you. So forgive me if the following sentences sound like an incoherent rant. So here goes...

One of my mother's sisters and my grandma booked tickets to come to my graduation, and they are staying at our home. Then my other aunt (who is my closest aunt, but has debilitating back problems making it hard to even get here) decides she wants to come as well. Of course my mother says she can stay with us, which I tell my aunt. How naive of me to believe things could be so simple. When my aunt calls my mom, my mom decides her staying with us would not be "harmonious." Instead, she wants her to stay at a hotel, which my aunt does not react well to. So I get a message from my aunt to call her back (which I have yet to do, and am dreading), followed by a message from my mother explaining how awful my aunt was on the phone and that she can't stay with us. Added to this is the fact that my dad's sister is coming to my graduation. However, my step-mother told me my dad may not come to my graduation because his sister will be there.

My reaction is best understood in two parts: the rational and the emotional

Rationally I know that my aunt is addicted to pain medications, which have changed her personality drastically. She is negative, hostile, irrational, and has scewed peceptions of many things. Thus, I understand that my mother does not want to be around her, or have a relationship with her. I also understand that there would likely be conflict with her staying with us. As a therapist in training I can spend countless hours analyzing all of the years of hurt and resentment, coupled with multiple family addictions, which have create deeply rooted negative family dynamics. I can look at the situation from afar and UNDERSTAND.

But...I also don't care.

Emotionally things are quite different. To paint you a picture, when I got my mom's message I was at a grocery store and promptly started crying. My immediate reaction was one of anger, disappointment, sadness, and stress. I was thinking, "Are you fucking kidding me? Of course my family can't behave like adults for one weekend and put my special day ahead of their childish hatred of each other. I should have known." Most of my emotions were geared towards my mother, which I know isn't entirely fair. I guess I thought as my mother she would be able to put her needs aside for me...for one weekend. I think years of my mother putting her hatred of my dad and step mom before me also added to this reaction. As time goes on I am getting more angry at my aunt as well. Who yells at someone they are wanting to stay with? When I think of her as a person, and not a crazy drug addict I am angry. When I think of her as my disabled, doped up aunt, I feel sorry for her, and responsible for her in some ways.

I had therapy today and my therapist was very helpful. She told me that I don't have to be so rational, and that I can have feelings. This is so true, but as you can see, I can't even describe my emotions well. What's more, it is hard for me to describe my feelings without also analyzing and rationalising family dynamics. Ah, the down side of analyzing family dynamics for a living. My therapist also said, "It's not your job to fix them or change them. They are using you and you aren't getting paid." So true! So I guess I have something to work on in therapy now!

So without making excuses or explaining my family, here is how it is to me:
I had a dream that for one special event in my life, the people who care about me would be there. They would be happy, proud, and mature. The day would be about ME. But that dream was shattered and I feel like a little girl. I feel angry, disappointed, sad, let down, and overwhelmed. I feel selfish, guilty, and overly responsible. It is like a million moments during my childhood, although I didn't have the words to describe it then. I had a hope that things could be different for once, and that hope was squashed. So in a word I am DEVASTATED once again.

But for once I am going to allow myself to feel this way for awhile.