The Loving Aunt I Knew

Here is part two of my emotional vent from the other day. Luckily I had therapy, good talks with friends, and a few days before I called my aunt. Oh...and a drunken girl's night afterwards. My therapist wisely told me that my aunt would react the way I expected, and that I should prepare myself for it rather than try to change her reaction. Wise words...and I sort of took her advice.

I was relieved to get my aunt's voicemail at first so I could explain myself without judgement or interruption. Unfortunately, she called me back to say the message cut off half way. Of course it cut off right when I was saying "It's my mom's house and I have to respect that."

The first half of the conversation was to be expected (and I tried to detach from it as best I could). Ignoring my request to not hear about her conversation with my mom, my aunt proceeded to describe it for twenty minutes (very expected). Also to be expected was the irrational belief that my mom wanted her to not come to my graduation so it would be a trip all about my other aunt. To prove her point she said something hurtful, which I have noticed happens a lot in my family. To prove their points they attempt to show you how their enemy doesn't love you as much. So she said my other aunt told her we didn't have a relationship. This was perhaps her way of saying "I deserve to be at your graduation more, because I care about you more." Well, instead of feeling more loved by her, I am angry and hurt.

Overall, she made some points that I believed about my mother making excuses from the beginning to make her not want to stay with us for graduation. But there was also the expected craziness.

I think what shocked me most was her lack of warmth towards me. I expected the rage at my mother, and the ranting, and the craziness. I think I even expected that she wouldn't come. What I didn't expect was that she would be angry or cold towards me. That's what hurt. That's what made me cry.

She said "what is the point in me coming." I said "because it matters to me. Because I want you there even if my mom and you don't get along." But my words seemed to be gibberish to her. She ended by telling me she isn't coming and asking "is there anything else?" in a cool tone. As I cried on the other end, she was silent. I said "I'm sorry" and "I love you" between sobs. Then I sat there in my car, alone, on a beautiful sunny Saturday, and I cried.

This time I was alone, and crying my eyes out felt okay.

So what was I crying about I thought...good question.

When people say "well at least there won't be conflict at your graduation" I realize I wasn't really crying because she won't be there.
At first I was crying because I was angry, at her and at my mom.
Then I was crying because for once I wanted to be more important than the family drama.
I was also crying because I am just so freaking emotionally overwhelmed.
But what I finally realized is...

I was crying because the loving aunt I knew, not the evil woman my family sees, wasn't there anymore.